For the Love of the Popcorn!
by Axolotlabulous
Summary: -Crack!fic- In which Itachi runs out of popcorn, and needs to go to the mini-mart. Kisame accompanies him. Warning: A little bad language, sadistic Gaara, rent-a-cop Jounins, mega ultra insanely uber OOC Itachi and Uchiha zombies chasing red Ferraris.


Uh, Crack, I guess! Whoo! Not much to say…

EDIT- Due to the fact that this was finished at 12:30 in the morning, I forgot to put on all the necessary formalities that go with fanfiction. Whoops. And, I also decided to make it a little bit clearer, you know, being my own beta and everything.

Disclaimer: You think I own Naruto? Psssht. If I did, any self-respecting individual wouldn't read that piece of garbage. It's for the best that I don't own it. Nor do I own the "Akatsuki Clan Goes Shopping" flash that inspired this piece of extremely badly-written crack.

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_**For the Love of the Popcorn!**_

_By the Ultimate Awesomeness that is AXOLOTL!_

It was a normal day for Itachi.

Here he was, sitting on the couch, doing exactly what he wanted to do; absolutely nothing except veg in front of mind-numbing hours of _Firefly_ re-runs on the Sci-fi channel.

Absentmindedly popping kernels of popcorn into his mouth, the murderer of the Uchiha clan dipped his neatly manicured hand down into the transparent blue bowl, expecting to scoop up another handful of the salty treat, only to be met with a perplexing situation.

Itachi peered down into the bowl.

"OMG."

Cue a dripping wet blundering blue fish-man—who was still half naked from his routine dip in the small koi pond out back—rushing in on the screaming Uchiha, spouting out his own nonsense such as, "ITACHI-SAN, ITACHI-SAN! WHAT IS IT? ARE WE UNDER ATTACK? OH MY GOD WE ARE! DAMMIT I'M NOT EVEN DRESSED! !" Don't ask me how he pronounced that last part; it is a mystery to all.

Itachi sniffled and ceased screaming his lungs out and flapping his arms like some strange homicidal bird and squeaked—very out of characterly, mind you—,"The ...the popcorn…"

Kisame looked at Itachi weirdly for a second before asking, "What about the popcorn…?"

"The popcorn! Its…it's… GONE!" And with that, Itachi promptly burst into tears for the loss of his beloved popcorn, not even considering the fact that he was the one who consumed the salty movie-going food item.

"What."

It wasn't a question; more like a general statement Kisame's mouth spouted out due to absurdity of the whole situation and how Itachi was acting compared to his usual heartless bastard/asshole/blue raspberry Sno-cone façade. The Uchiha in question was silently angsting over his lost snack, but Kisame promptly put on a shirt (HOLY SAINT FRANCIS THANK GOD.) and dragged his partner to the car to drive a place of whimsy and wonder.

THE MINI-MART.

And so they drove.

The car ride was uneventful; not considering the broken stop sign, the little old lady they almost run over, the red lights run, and the full blown car chase with the police (which, ironically, were Uchiha zombies. I mean, they have to have _somebody_ run the Police Corps around here…).

Maybe it wasn't such a hot idea to have a legally blind individual drive the car to the local mini-mart down the street.

The now annihilated vehicle was rolling to a halt, and the engine gave a large sputter before a large explosion took place under the hood and a large jolt shook the car. Copious amounts of foul smelling smoke were subsequently spilling out from under the hood of Leader's precious red Ferrari. Kisame sighed, beat his blue, spiky-haired head against the dashboard a couple times before looking outside the window as to see as where they had stopped.

Coincidentally, they had coasted to a standstill right into a parking space in front of the aforementioned mini-mart. The car jolted violently a few more times, and Kisame took the initiative to grab Itachi and leap from out of the car, rolling across the parking lot and somehow dodging all the moving vehicles that were seeking sojourn. Not soon after that, the car went up like an atom bomb, making a mini-mushroom cloud and everything that occurs during a large explosion: Shrapnel was flying everywhere, people were ducking for cover in those little shopping carts, children were…I can't even begin to describe, but from the looks of it, it was fricking _INTENSE._ From a safe distance away, it would've looked like the Russians were back to bomb us.

It didn't look like they were going to be driving any time soon.

Itachi, who had taken refuge under a tank-like hummer with Kisame and inspecting a pipe leaking an atomic green-colored fluid through the whole ordeal, suddenly snapped his head to the scene and cried, "Do it again I wasn't looking!"

Kisame hammered his head, once again, on the rather hard pavement.

After that incident was over and done with, Itachi and Kisame made their way through the mangled vehicles and bodies and shopping carts until they came upon the pristinely unscathed mini-mart which was snugly placed between two unnamed businesses that had been destroyed in the huge car explosion. Itachi looked upon it with awe, forgoing his apparent blindness and crying, "Its soooo big!"

Kisame just sighed, "Itachi-san, it's just a mini-mart."

"Yeah, well… your mom."

"My mother was a goldfish. She forgot about me in literally three seconds."

"Oh, well, shut up."

And so the two criminally insane ninjas trekked inside.

Kisame turned to his younger counterpart, shopping cart magically appearing out of thin air. "Okay," the blue fish man sighed, a habit he was certainly developing today, "Itachi-san, I'm going to go look for some bread, seeming as we are out. I want you to stay here, and not get lost. Understand me?"

"Pfft. Like I can get lost," Itachi scoffed.

"Okay…."

-45 ½ seconds later….-

"! _OHMYGODIMLOST_!"

And with that, Itachi took to panicking and running in a random direction, coincidentally running past a certain redhead demon container….

_**MEANWHILE…**_

Subaku no Gaara was having a nice outing with his mother whom apparently isn't dead, taking no heed of the screaming S-ranked criminal that had just dashed past him. Oh yes, it was perfectly uneventful. That is, until he found the candy stand.

Gaara's usually emotionless eyes widened considerably and his mouth started salivating even more than he would have if he changed into Shukkaku. If the current Kazekage of the Hidden Sand village had eyebrows, they would've skyrocketed and disappeared into his hairline.

"Momma, can I have some candy?"

Gaara's mother sighed and with a resigned expression stated, "No, Gaara, too expensive."

The Kazekage's non-existent brows furrowed and with the remnants of his homicidal maniac-ness, went and did a particularly nasty "DESERT COFFIN!" on the poor woman.

Man, the janitors are going to have a hard time trying to mop up all that blood.

Gaara then took a bag and started filling it with sour gummies—his favorites. He didn't even see the shiny metal shopping cart that was hurtling towards him with frightening speed and eventually plowed into him, sending him flying into the feminine hygiene section, leaving a certain pyromaniac spurting manly giggles from his not so manly form….

_**MEANWHILE MEANWHILE….**_

"LOL! Take that bi-otch, un! That's what you get for Desert Coffining my arm, yeah!" Deidara cackled maniacally as he turned to the video game display, "Luckily Sasori-danna made me a new one—OMG THEY HAVE NARUTO RISE OF THE NINJA! MUST GET, yeah!"

Deidara squealed happily and plucked a copy off the display, not even noticing he disrupted the balance of the whole structure and sent it toppling to the linoleum tiles. He flipped his flamboyant golden hair over his shoulder and pranced away from the now ruined pyramid of video games. He pulled a fifty out of his pocket, sniffing the crisp green linen-paper. He skipped—doing so in a manly fashion, mind you—to the end of the aisle, once again looking fondly at the crisp green bill. He was daydreaming of kicking ass on _Naruto: Rise of the Ninja_, when all of a sudden, the mouth on his palm suddenly gobbled up the bill! Deidara was heartbroken! That was all the money he had!

But, Deidara was a high ranked ninja even before he deserted Iwagakure; therefore, he nonchalantly tucked the game into his cloak and headed for the exit. But, when he tried to slip past the security alarms….

"Excuse me sir, I'm going to have to make you remove your cloak," Kakashi—who was the rent-a-cop (The Uchiha zombies were still trying to literally pick up their pieces due to the earlier red Ferrari chase) security guard for the day—said, not even looking up from his infamous orange porn novel.

Deidara cringed. Of course it was the one day he decided to wear only boxers under his cloak.

"Ahh, um…. LOOK, THERE GOES UCHIHA ITACHI, un!" Deidara shouted this as he pointed in a random direction. Kakashi looked up, and lo and behold there was Uchiha Itachi, running with all his energy in order to get… un-lost.

Kakashi's one visible eye widened, and he produced a radio out of thin air and cried, "CODE BLUE, CODE BLUE! HOMICIDAL MANIAC ON SCREAMING RAMPAGE IN AISLE SEVEN! I REPEAT; HOMICIDAL MANIAC ON SCREAMING RAMPAGE IN AISLE SEVEN!"

Deidara thanked Jashin for his luck and silently ninja'd out of the mini-mart undetected.

_**MEANWHILE…..**_

Several rent-a-cop Jounin were on the trail of one oblivious, still lost, still panicking Uchiha Itachi. Several were just now wrestling him to the floor, checking him for obvious weaponry. Itachi was no longer screaming about being lost, but rather, about strangers (As in, _"OHMYGODSTRANGERS! THEY'RE GONNA RAPE MEEEEEEEE! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!_). Just _what_ did he have for breakfast this morning to make him this hyper? I tell ya….

This is how Kisame found him, with a cart full of bread, popcorn, fish food, and other useful food items that are regularly eaten in the Akatsuki lair. Kisame took one look at the Jounins wrestling poor Itachi to the floor and slapped his rather fishy hand to his forehead.

"Oh _shit_."

And with that, Kisame grabbed Itachi, stuck him in the basket of the shopping cart, and made it through self service checkout in record time. They then realized—or more like Kisame realized—that they had no way of getting home. After all, they had blown up Leader's red Ferrari.

But, with that circumstance in mind, they figured they weren't in such a hurry to get back to the lair anyways.

_**At the LAIR….**_

Leader was in one of his moods today.

One of his _driving_ moods.

And of course, he wanted to drive in his prized red Ferrari.

But when he came upon the empty garage, and he witnessed the small post-it stating, '_We'll bring it back… Hopefully. –K&I,'_ all of the feelings of good driving moods that had made residence throughout his body promptly dissipated, and he crumpled the small pink note in his hands. His unnecessarily pierced features were the definition of rage.

"…I'll kill them… _I'll fucking _kill _them…!_"

**-LOL, Crappy End-

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_Whoo! Sucky crack! Let's do the crack dance! :DDDDDD I felt like putting the Chatspeak in there for comedic purposes, just so you know…._

_**With love, Axolotl.**_


End file.
